Imposter Syndrome on the Apraxia Journey
For many, the Apraxia Journey is discussed through the constraints of childhood.
However, Apraxia and its reminiscent effects (direct effects or even psychological/mental effects) carries through adulthood.
I pride myself on becoming a professional adult, college-educated, getting my MBA, and even advocating for a cause that hits close to home.
On paper, I`m a high-achiever with Apraxia or not.
But the issue is, and something I struggle with apparently, is Imposter Syndrome.
You see, in discussing with my partner about this dreaded Business Stats class I am taking this year-I was already nearly in tears trying to re-study what Mean, Median, and Mode meant. Week 1 and my eyes are getting puffy with tears like 9 year old Aly who couldn`t multiply past x6.
Math was never my strongest subject. I know I can do it-but it feels like it takes me twice as long to understand the principles whereas my counterparts already know the basics. I feel behind before I even get started.
Of course in my partner`s attempt at being motivating and supporting, he shared the mental-health trick in telling myself that `This will be easy,` `I can do this class,` or ` This class will be fun.`
I laughed- not out of rudeness or spite (okay, maybe out of slight frustration)--but seriously do people actually go into these courses with such delusional reassurance?
We are taught not to lie, yet we are supposed to lie to ourselves? Is it still a lie if we use it for good to build confidence?
I call it delusional motivation, he calls it `Visualization for one`s sanity.` Either way, if people do go into these courses with such a positive mindset- I never had or felt I deserved such luxury.
Assuming a course or something that comes easy for my neurotypical counterparts to also be easy for me, well that would be a blatant violation of everything that has been reinforced through childhood academia.
To say I spent about half of my education in `Special-Assisted Math,` retook Pre-Algebra 5x through Middle and High School-and now as a grad student, to be alongside my peers that even do such calculations for a living- I do feel like an imposter.
Suppose I have to find comfort in knowing I at least deserve to be there, just as much as the Math Brainiac. I earned my seat at the table, just as everyone else has, even though my journey to success was a bit unorthodox.